Impulse Control

Did you ever consider exactly what constitutes personal growth and maturity? It strikes me that a big part of maturity is learning impulse control. We are all born with the 'desires of the flesh, the desires of the eyes and the pride of life' but the mature person knows that controlling those desires is necessary for the 'long game.' That is to say that that giving in to our desires for our immediate gratification as a way of life never allows us to fully mature.

I've been pondering boundaries the last couple of days and realize there are two sides to the coin. Society must set boundaries/rules of behavior for it's members so as to provide stability. These are the boundaries imposed on us from the outside. On the other side of the coin are the boundaries that we set for ourselves. These are the boundaries that come from within. These boundaries help us to control our impulses. They are also the lines we draw for other people in dealing with us too. These boundaries are closely related to integrity.

Our impulses can be almost anything. Spending money, losing ones temper, being violent, controlling ones tongue and controlling ones desires...all of these can be impulse control issues. The most obvious weaknesses in impulse control are seen in addictions.

It has been my observation that people with addictions, those that give in to their impulses, in one area of life often lack control in other areas of life. That is to say that alcoholics, for example, are often drug and sex addicts as well. Other addictions, like gambling, are less desires of the flesh than they are psychological addictions that, no doubt, influence endorphins and other brain chemicals related to those 'high' feelings.

While some addicts will tell you they were 'born that way' and their addiction is not a matter of character weakness like was once commonly believed. If that were true pharmaceutical treatments would effectively treat addictions...but they do not. Programs like Alcoholics Anonymous are more effective exactly because they address the character issues in a way not unlike religion.

I do not believe that anyone is a born addict. We can be born with predilections or weaknesses but too many people born with the same predilections make different choices. That's the key to addiction as far as I'm concerned...choices. The alcoholic chooses to put a bottle to their lips. The drug addict chooses to take their drug of choice. Regardless of how good an addiction feels, it can still be controlled by choice. To exercise our choice is to exercise our will power. The more often we do it, the stronger it becomes.

No therapy helps an addict until they decide that they want out. Again, they make the choice. When an addict does make the choice to end their addiction...almost any therapy will work to help them. Alcoholic Anonymous is effective precisely because it addresses character.

What some folks don't realize is that when an alcoholic or drug addict begins their addiction they stop growing and maturing at that age. They don't resume again until they stop using their drug. A thirteen year old who uses alcohol every time something upsets them and does so for twenty years is still thirteen emotionally when they stop using. The rest of us have to deal with life's upsets and pains every day without a drug to anaesthetize us. The only way to grow and mature in life is without chemicals to alter our perceptions.Therein lies the greatest danger of intoxicants.

Controlling our impulses, those that can be destructive to us, is an essential part of the maturation process. As children we are restricted from giving in to our impulses from the outside. A child, for example, might only eat candy and other sugary treats to the exclusion of more nutritious choices if left on their own. A wise parent sees to it that their children don't give into such impulses. They make sure that their children eat their vegetables! This is why it's critical that parents make the decisions, draw the behavioral boundaries, for their children until their children demonstrate the maturity to make wise choices for themselves.

We create boundaries for our own behavior/ impulses and boundaries we expect others to respect in interacting with us. For the sake of our psychological health we need to make these boundaries clear. The more clear these boundaries are the more fluid our interactions are. When we have strong personal boundaries that guide our own behavior we are more stable as individuals. When society has clear boundaries that dictate the behavior of its members it becomes more stable.

A big part of the Social Contract is having clear boundaries we can expect others to respect. We have the right to expect that they control their own impulses, at least in as far as we are concerned. For example: it is inappropriate to touch people we don't know in some ways. This assumes one can control ones impulses to do so and it assumes that other people accept this as a clear societal boundary.

One issue that must come up in any discussion about boundaries is, what I have come to refer to as, the mathematics of relationships. It is a very simple principle that simply says: X causes Y. When I treat someone X and they react Y I've learned where their 'button' is. Every time I want to elicit a Y response I know what to do...just treat them X. Since the formula is a relationship either side can change. That is to say that when someone doesn't want to be treated X anymore they need to stop reacting Y. That will take away the incentive of someone treating them X. Because all interactions between people are relationships they are fluid...either party can change.

We set our own boundaries. We need to make those clear. When we allow someone to cross those boundaries...we are, at least, partially at fault. The need for clarity in society and in our own lives is vitally important. You see there is a very simple psychological truth here...we teach people how to treat us. For our own sakes, and for the sake of society, we must draw clear boundaries of behavior. We must learn to control our own impulses within those boundaries. Until we learn to do those things we will not mature as individuals or as a society. Unfortunately this is something that can't be passed down like some other forms of knowledge. Every generation has to learn the importance of this principle. If ours does not we are headed for a great fall...