Impulse Control

Did you ever consider exactly what constitutes personal growth and maturity? It strikes me that a big part of maturity is learning impulse control. We are all born with the 'desires of the flesh, the desires of the eyes and the pride of life' but the mature person knows that controlling those desires is necessary for the 'long game.' That is to say that that giving in to our desires for our immediate gratification as a way of life never allows us to fully mature.

I've been pondering boundaries the last couple of days and realize there are two sides to the coin. Society must set boundaries/rules of behavior for it's members so as to provide stability. These are the boundaries imposed on us from the outside. On the other side of the coin are the boundaries that we set for ourselves. These are the boundaries that come from within. These boundaries help us to control our impulses. They are also the lines we draw for other people in dealing with us too. These boundaries are closely related to integrity.

Our impulses can be almost anything. Spending money, losing ones temper, being violent, controlling ones tongue and controlling ones desires...all of these can be impulse control issues. The most obvious weaknesses in impulse control are seen in addictions.

It has been my observation that people with addictions, those that give in to their impulses, in one area of life often lack control in other areas of life. That is to say that alcoholics, for example, are often drug and sex addicts as well. Other addictions, like gambling, are less desires of the flesh than they are psychological addictions that, no doubt, influence endorphins and other brain chemicals related to those 'high' feelings.

While some addicts will tell you they were 'born that way' and their addiction is not a matter of character weakness like was once commonly believed. If that were true pharmaceutical treatments would effectively treat addictions...but they do not. Programs like Alcoholics Anonymous are more effective exactly because they address the character issues in a way not unlike religion.

I do not believe that anyone is a born addict. We can be born with predilections or weaknesses but too many people born with the same predilections make different choices. That's the key to addiction as far as I'm concerned...choices. The alcoholic chooses to put a bottle to their lips. The drug addict chooses to take their drug of choice. Regardless of how good an addiction feels, it can still be controlled by choice. To exercise our choice is to exercise our will power. The more often we do it, the stronger it becomes.

No therapy helps an addict until they decide that they want out. Again, they make the choice. When an addict does make the choice to end their addiction...almost any therapy will work to help them. Alcoholic Anonymous is effective precisely because it addresses character.

What some folks don't realize is that when an alcoholic or drug addict begins their addiction they stop growing and maturing at that age. They don't resume again until they stop using their drug. A thirteen year old who uses alcohol every time something upsets them and does so for twenty years is still thirteen emotionally when they stop using. The rest of us have to deal with life's upsets and pains every day without a drug to anaesthetize us. The only way to grow and mature in life is without chemicals to alter our perceptions.Therein lies the greatest danger of intoxicants.

Controlling our impulses, those that can be destructive to us, is an essential part of the maturation process. As children we are restricted from giving in to our impulses from the outside. A child, for example, might only eat candy and other sugary treats to the exclusion of more nutritious choices if left on their own. A wise parent sees to it that their children don't give into such impulses. They make sure that their children eat their vegetables! This is why it's critical that parents make the decisions, draw the behavioral boundaries, for their children until their children demonstrate the maturity to make wise choices for themselves.

We create boundaries for our own behavior/ impulses and boundaries we expect others to respect in interacting with us. For the sake of our psychological health we need to make these boundaries clear. The more clear these boundaries are the more fluid our interactions are. When we have strong personal boundaries that guide our own behavior we are more stable as individuals. When society has clear boundaries that dictate the behavior of its members it becomes more stable.

A big part of the Social Contract is having clear boundaries we can expect others to respect. We have the right to expect that they control their own impulses, at least in as far as we are concerned. For example: it is inappropriate to touch people we don't know in some ways. This assumes one can control ones impulses to do so and it assumes that other people accept this as a clear societal boundary.

One issue that must come up in any discussion about boundaries is, what I have come to refer to as, the mathematics of relationships. It is a very simple principle that simply says: X causes Y. When I treat someone X and they react Y I've learned where their 'button' is. Every time I want to elicit a Y response I know what to do...just treat them X. Since the formula is a relationship either side can change. That is to say that when someone doesn't want to be treated X anymore they need to stop reacting Y. That will take away the incentive of someone treating them X. Because all interactions between people are relationships they are fluid...either party can change.

We set our own boundaries. We need to make those clear. When we allow someone to cross those boundaries...we are, at least, partially at fault. The need for clarity in society and in our own lives is vitally important. You see there is a very simple psychological truth here...we teach people how to treat us. For our own sakes, and for the sake of society, we must draw clear boundaries of behavior. We must learn to control our own impulses within those boundaries. Until we learn to do those things we will not mature as individuals or as a society. Unfortunately this is something that can't be passed down like some other forms of knowledge. Every generation has to learn the importance of this principle. If ours does not we are headed for a great fall...

Boundaries

It is interesting to me that so many older cultures put such an emphasis on the rules of etiquette and behavior. The correct forms for ones various relationships draw clear boundaries for ones behavior. That is to say that one should treat a parent thusly, a grandparent is treated thusly, a friend, a neighbor, a stranger, a person of higher social status, one of lower social status etc., all are treated with different boundaries in mind. All the ancient cultures have clearly defined rules regarding how people should interact.

The Bible has been the primary source for rules of conduct between people in Western culture for centuries. It was accepted by our founding fathers as THE source of moral authority because they saw the common sense in it's laws regardless of whether one believes in it's theology or not. Our constitution nowhere says: "Thou Shalt Not Murder"...what it says is: "If a citizen commits murder, the state has the right to take away their life or liberty. Our founding fathers realized the NEED for a standard beyond the constitution that we can agree on. We need a common set of standards/boundaries that we can all live by.

There are a lot of people who hate the Bible because of it's assertion that it contains God's laws/boundaries. What the Bible says, and what most older cultures believe in some form, is that freedom only lies in the willing acceptance of the rules that govern life. Take sexual laws for example: The Bible outlines strict laws against incest, homosexuality, adultery, fornication and bestiality. Those that have the desires to engage in these practices hate to be told that their behavior is sinful. These are people who simply do not want to be told what to do or not do. They believe they should be "free".

Leaving aside the questions of sin and eternal life, the laws that the Bible advocates draw clear boundaries on the, very powerful, sex drive in human beings. To adhere to these laws provides the observant society greater stability.  There would be very few unwanted pregnancies and still fewer sexually transmitted diseases in such a society. Children in such a society would know who their parents are. There would be fewer divorces with less of the destructive impact on children and society that divorce creates. There would be less need for time in the court system to interject itself into the lives of families. The stability that such a society had would be felt in many areas of life.

But, there are too many people who want to follow their impulses...because they want to follow their impulses. They give no thought to what kind of society would develop if everyone did the same. We humans are naturally hostile to being told how to live...regardless of the logic of it. We 'think' we want a life without boundaries...until some of us think it through to it's logical conclusion...chaos and confusion. Many people simply don't care what effect such behavior leads to. They want what they want.

Many such people are hostile towards anything that tells them they are wrong and anyone or anything who attempts to enforce such standards. They hate the police, they hate the Ten Commandments, they even hate God.

Some of them advocate for anarchy, believing that all men can live in peace if allowed to do what they want. The lessons of history prove otherwise. Experiments in anarchy have typically ended in disaster.

Such thinking is immature and ill-reasoned and such people should never be allowed to be in authority over other peoples lives. Such people don't think about the long range implications of their behavior. The reality is many such people ARE in in authority in this country. The results have already proven disastrous...

A great many of the problems people have in relationships comes from having unclear boundaries. This is a simple truth that most counselors can tell you. It's a little harder to actually maintain those boundaries though. All of us have impulses. Not all of us have the same degree of control over them.

As Americans we like to think we are above such rules. We argue that we should be able to do what we feel. We may think that recognizing no such rules of etiquette/behavior gives us a greater degree of freedom. I posit here that all it gives us is a greater degree of chaos. History and psychology are on my side of the argument.

We NEED to bring back a common set of values that guide all our lives. I argue for the Bible, of course, because I believe it is God's Word. I don't believe it's necessary for every individual to believe that. I do believe that, as a society, it can only help us to have a belief in God. Just think of how the behavior of individuals changes when they believe they are being watched. I know we are being watched.

And I know I have to stand before God one day. That hasn't made me a perfect person...but it has made me a better person. It has given me a standard of behavior to aim for. I have a clear template for personal and spiritual growth in the scriptures. Not everyone will agree with me but the logic that we NEED a common standard is undeniable. We need boundaries...

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Finding Magic in the Mundane

There are many people who spend their lives going from one thrill to another. We sometimes call such folks "adrenaline junkies". It is as if they live their lives sporadically jumping from one thrill to the next. Their 'filler time' is mainly spent anticipating the next thrill. It seems to me that such folks miss out on most of life. They seem to only engage their awareness during what they consider their high points.

The rest of us know that, by far, most of life consists of the little things. It is finding joy in those little things that makes for a richer life to me. To live this way one must engage ones awareness.

Boredom seems to be the greatest curse in life for some people. When you find the joy in the little things boredom is never an issue. Washing the dishes or sweeping the floor may not be the most exiting parts of ones day but they are a necessary part of ones day...so finding joy even in them adds to the richness of life. The greatest benefit is, when you do find joy in the little mundane things...most of life becomes a joy!

In thinking about Zen of late, I've come to focus on the little, mundane things. Now when making my bed, or vacuuming my floors I don't think: "my life will start today when I'm finished with this". Now I extend my awareness to sense the small things. I take note of shapes, colors, textures, weights, sounds, smells and flavors. I accept them for what they are. Now I think: "this is my life". Thinking thusly has allowed me to slow down, smell the roses, and enjoy my days much more.

Zen teaches that we fully embrace the moment and not live in the past or the future. My faith teaches me the best way to let go of the past, that's where guilt and resentment reside, is to forgive everyone for everything. Don't let pettiness tie you down to the darkness. Reach for the light!

We can't live in the future either. So the best way to avoid worry and anxiety about the future...is living in the moment. When we do focus on the future, focus on hope! These tools and love...are the best ways to live in the present.

Learning to love, at least, something about where you live, what you do for a living and the people around you helps you to find some joy in the simple, daily things. Real love helps us to accept things and people as they are...not as we want them to be.

This way of seeing things allows us to uplift the mundane, to find life in it. It's a simple thing, not worth mentioning to most folks I suppose. But, it allows us to find a quiet joy not to have any greater expectation of the little things in life.

Quiet joy is what I live for these days. Forming something new in steel. Playing with my dog/best friend Sarah Belle. Watching the sunset. Enjoying a good meal. Playing Scrabble with the best person I know on earth...my mother. Feeling the cool of the evenings. Having a good conversation. Reading a good book. Helping a friend. Entering into my private, intimate walk with God through prayer. And, I can't forget laughter! These are the things I've come to look forward to. They're nothing great or exiting...but they make up the biggest part of my life.

There is a kind of magic in the ordinary things that we seem to miss until we slow down and take note. This means more than just being awake...it means being aware.

Living life is like enjoying a good book, every page should be relished. There are miracles all around, every day, if we'll reach out and notice. Living otherwise really isn't living...it's just hitting the high points. And, reading the Cliff notes edition means missing all the good stuff!

Zen

As a devout person I shun those practices dedicated to false gods and those teachings that are contrary to my faith. As a thinking person I recognize that every culture and every religion has some truth. I try to embrace truth wherever it comes from. As a martial artist I was exposed early on to Zen and the practice of meditation. While I am devout in my Christian faith, I believe Zen offers a traditional wisdom that has been discovered by many cultures in many ages.

Zen is partially a school of psychology and such aims at the direct experience of life. Zen postulates that there are three 'thought actions', the first is sensation, the second perception and the third conception. Our sensory systems receive data but it's not until we become aware of the data that we perceive it. Our conception is what we think, how we feel etc., about our perceptions. I can pick up an apple but until I perceive that I have done so it is only un-interpreted sensory data. Once perceived..."it is an apple" I then process...I like apples, they taste good, so I think I'll bite into this one.


It is the last, our conception stage that can become a problem. I can harbor preconceived notions about my apple that can alter my perception of it. That is what can interfere with my direct experience of life. The person who thinks of bears as warm and cuddly will conceive of them quite differently than someone who thinks of them as wild animals that can rip your arm off. The reaction that these two people have when they encounter a bear could be very different based on their conceptions.

Zazen, or seated Zen meditation, aims at allowing sensory data to arise in the mind, it can then be perceived but one learns not to attach any conceptions to the perception. That is to say, I am aware that I'm holding an apple...I feel the weight of it, the shape of it, the texture of it, the temperature of it but I don't go on and make any judgments about it.

Now our minds are trained to go on and make judgments about our perceptions so we have to un-train them by allowing those thought actions to simply arise and drift away instead of attaching to them. I will naturally go on to think "I like apples" or whatever judgments I have of apples once I've perceived an apple. It takes the discipline of meditation to let go of those conceptions / judgments and simply stick with our perceptions.

The idea is simple, I can miss things about life by attaching conceptions / judgments to them. My preconceived notions can interfere with my perceptions so Zen aims at letting them go.

One thing that I find quite fascinating is that we all naturally experience the mind-set of stopping at perception. When we go for a walk or a run or some other common activity we can lose our sense of self in the activity. We cease to think: "I am walking" and the activity simply becomes: "walking". We become so engaged in the activity that we lose our sense of "I".

Asian philosophers took this very natural phenomenon and asked how they could achieve that sense all the time. Most schools of seated meditation began in a such a way. The aim was losing the sense of "I" in an activity. This is why Zen became so popular with the Samurai and other warriors. When one loses ones sense of I in an activity one can react much faster because conceptions / judgments don't enter into the picture. You react quite differently to an attack when you don't stop to think: "I can be injured or killed"...you simply react to the moment.

In Japanese this sense of losing oneself in ones activity is called Zammai. (Called Samahdi in India) It is a natural state of mind that comes from knowing ones activity so well one no longer has to think about 'how to' do it.

In the path to mastery it is a natural progression that comes with practice. We begin in an Unconscious / Unskilled phase...we don't know what we are doing and don't have a clue how to do it. We progress to a Conscious / Unskilled phase...now we know we don't have a clue! With continued practice we reach a Conscious / Skilled phase...we now know what we are doing but have to think about it while doing it. Finally we reach the Unconscious / Skilled  phase...we know what we are doing so well we no longer have to think about it. We just push the 'activate button' in our brains and the action follows. We no longer have a sense of "I" in the action. It comes automatically.

One can only experience this way if one is fully in the present. If one lives in the past or future in ones mind it is impossible to experience correct perception because we are living in our conceptions. One only experiences guilt and resentment by living in the past. One only experiences worry and anxiety by pre-conceiving the future. Zen teaches one to live fully in the moment where such conceptions / emotions are impossible. Such conceptions keep us from fully perceiving the present. They keep us from fully living.

That's part of the beauty of Zen... It isn't really a religion in the Western sense. It is a way of approaching daily life. It allows us to directly connect to life instead of our preconceived notions about life.

The ultimate of aim of Zen, of the zammai experience, is Satori...enlightenment. That is to lift the veil that Buddhists believe clouds the mind from perceiving the ultimate reality...that everything is one. Therein lies the faith that Buddhists have...another way of perceiving reality.

On Faith

Faith is one of the most fascinating subjects in life to me. I believe it is essential to a good life. It comes in forms that we, sometimes, don't immediately recognize. We normally think of religion as being the only realm where faith resides. That is simply not the case. Science, and many other fields, require a degree of faith.

Superstition, too, is a kind of faith. Religion and superstition are related but they are not the same despite the claims of some non-religious skeptics. A superstition is an unreasoned belief in supernatural causation. That is to say that a superstitious person has no evidence for believing one thing causes another. When we believe that walking under a ladder causes bad luck, we have no natural law or evidence that we can point to that makes us believe in such a relationship. We just believe it anecdotally.

Modern science may be described as an effort to find the natural laws that connect cause and effect. When we drop an apple it falls to the earth. We've discovered that gravity is the natural law that governs the way our apple falls. Now we understand the cause-effect relationship that exists between our dropping an apple and that apple falling to earth. With that understanding we can accurately predict what will happen when we drop our apple. Faith is removed from the equation...unless you consider our belief in the law of gravity a kind of faith. (Quantum mechanics makes the claim that the law of gravity and other natural laws are a matter of probabilities...there is a one in a trillion, trillion...or some such high number...chance that our dropped apple will simply float away.)

Those that believe in evolution as the explanation for the beginnings of life on earth are usually quick to tell you that they believe in science not faith. Now, I have to say that I believe in the scientific method. But the scientific method is rigorous and demands that proof only exists in reproducible results so, the theory of evolution is not, strictly speaking, good science. Believers in the theory have the faith that it is true. They go forth with that faith to see what supports their view and often dismiss what does not. Faith creates in the believer a world-view that allows them to make sense of the world around them. The faith of an evolutionist tells him something quite different about the natural world than the faith of a creationist does. The facts are the same. It is our interpretation that is different because of our different faiths.

Faith imparts an expectation in the faithful. Those that believe in ghosts, for example, are most often the ones to see them while non-believers rarely have such encounters. Those with the faith that such things exist expect to see them so their minds may fill-in-the-blanks when a different explanation isn't immediately apparent.

Our minds impose order on the world around us when we hold such views. We tend to only see what supports our world view and ignore what does not. That's something that all human beings do. It can be both a blessing and a curse. It is a blessing in that it allows us to make some sense out of the world. It helps us to explain things that we might not be able to otherwise. It also allows us to make some predictions about the future. It can be a curse in the sense that our world view may not allow us to perceive things that don't neatly fit into it.

For example, the scientist that doesn't believe in UFO's may dismiss any evidence to the contrary as something in his world view...like swamp gas. For those who are believers it's no stretch of the imagination to see one. The believer may even jump to the conclusion that they've seen one because of their belief. Now some flying objects are unidentified but whether or not they are alien spacecraft or some other unknown phenomenon is the question. Starting off as a skeptic seems to me to be the most prudent approach.

A 'reasoned faith' is one that starts off with some measure of skepticism. That's what separates it from superstition. A reasoned faith has something in common with science here. While I'm a firm believer in 'good' science...I don't believe the scientific method can answer everything. Some things require a leap of faith.

It becomes obvious from the above that faith is even more tricky a subject than it may first appear.

As a man of faith, I believe that the Bible is the revealed word of God. That is to say first that there is a God and He cares for what goes on here so much that He revealed knowledge to us that we wouldn't easily find otherwise. My faith may be considered simple superstition by some skeptics but my belief in the causal relationship between say...disobedience to God's commandments and our misery is a reasoned belief. Still...it requires a leap of faith.

I can't 'prove' God exists or that He left us a written 'users guide' for our benefit. Where I see a clear thread between the 66 books of the Bible, written by 40 different authors over the course of some four thousand years...others see only a collection of myths and plagiarized materials from other cultures. I  have faith that God had His hand in guiding the authors and compilers of the Bible. I can't prove it to someone who doesn't want to believe but I am absolutely convinced of it. There are so many ways that the Bible is not like any other book in the world. But, I'll never convince a non-believer of any of them. And, that doesn't bother me in the least.

My faith gives me the certainty that neither the universe nor life are accidental. My faith assures me that history has a beginning, a purpose and an end. My faith tells me that there is a missing dimension in human psychology, one unknown to most people. That missing dimension is the influence of a spiritual realm on our reality. Science can't prove or disprove that. It takes a leap of faith.

What I know is this...without my faith I don't know if life would be bearable. I see people all around that seem to live hopeless, cruel and unhappy lives without any faith and I honestly don't know how they do it.

Am I deluded? As a person who tries to be intellectually honest I have to allow for the possibility that I may be. And, that doesn't bother me in the least either.

My faith has added so much to my life that I can't begin to communicate it all. I live with the quiet assurance that what happens on this little blue planet means something more. My faith tells me that love is the best way of life. My faith tells me that other people are my extended family. My faith tells me that every one of them matters. This is not all there is. My faith tells me that God will not allow us to destroy ourselves. My faith gives me hope for the future. My faith tells me that there is a better world coming.

My faith prompts me to work on becoming a better man because it tells me I have to stand before God one day. What we do matters.

While other people describe themselves as "spiritual but not religious", I'm not really sure what that even means. What I am is a man of faith in God.

I can't imagine living life any other way.

Dr. Warren Donworth

I saw a book years ago that was titled: Meetings With Remarkable Men. While I only skimmed the book, it has struck me over the years that the direction of our lives can change overnight by our encounters with such people. I believe God sometimes puts such men in our paths to teach us about life. I've been very fortunate in my life to know a few remarkable men. One of the most remarkable I've known is a man named Warren Donworth.

Dr. Donworth is a professor of Welding Technology at Austin Community College in Austin, Texas. A few years ago I decided to go back to school to learn welding and blacksmithing. I looked all around only to find that the best program in the country was 20  minutes from my doorstep. ACC, like most community colleges, has a welding program that was started to fill a need in the community. When Dr. Donworth took over the program it was set to be discontinued. He was tasked with rejuvenating it. In what can only be described as pure genius, Dr. D expanded the welding curriculum to include classes in Art Metals. He reasoned that some people who would like to learn to weld didn't necessarily want to go into technical welding. Some people just want to use welding skills to make metal art.

The program has proved to be a tremendous success. The Art Metals program expanded to include blacksmithing and jewelry making. The energy in the welding department now is palpable. People are just plain excited to take classes there! The addition of art metals has proven to be synergistic as well. Technical welders look over and see artists making metal sculptures and want in on it. Art students look over at technical welding classes and see the potential for a new career and want in on that! People now come from all over the country to join the program. And all of this because of a remarkable man thinking outside of the box.

Dr. Donworth holds a Doctor of Philosophy degree in Educational Administration and wrote his dissertation on welding technology in Texas community colleges. Sitting in on one of his classes makes a few things immediately apparent. The man is a genius. He loves what he does and he instills that love in his students. He is the kind of teacher that makes learning exiting, fun and practical. He uses his deep, resonate voice and his vast knowledge and experience to make difficult concepts crystal clear. This man is a true teacher and motivator.

While Dr. Donworth and his lovely wife Koma have no children of their own, Dr. D has become a father-figure to hundreds, and perhaps thousands, of students over the years. His logic is simple...the college experience exists to get people into the work force. Taxpayers subsidize the students he teaches and he figures that they deserve to get a return on their investment. With that in mind Dr. D connects both former and current students with the work force opportunities in welding and welding inspection. He maintains the relationships and connections he's made, in some cases, for many years. When asked what his favorite thing is he is quick to answer: “Launching careers.”

One of the most remarkable things about Dr. D is the fact that he could go anywhere he wants and do anything he wants but he chooses to teach at a community college. He even stepped down as the department head of the program he created...just to teach. He was born to do it. He's probably launched more careers than any other instructor I've ever met. Any of his students will tell you how lucky they feel to have had him in their lives. I'm certainly one!

Perhaps the most remarkable thing about Dr. D is that, despite his higher education,  he has maintained his common sense! ( The old joke is that BS doesn't mean Bachelor's of Science, it means: BS! MS means: "More of the Same", and PhD means: "Piled Higher and Deeper"! ) Dr. D doesn't live in any Ivory Tower. He's often been referred to as a "Blue Collar PhD". He's one of those rare men that has maintained his connection to reality despite his lofty education.

One need only get him talking about politics to see that his common sense guides his thinking. More rare yet is that he is a conservative in world known to be mostly inhabited by liberals. That in it's self is enough to tell you he is his own man. He embodies the American spirit through and through. He's innovative, he's independent, he believes in giving back to his community and he's a light in a dark world...the kind American students need desperately. ( Now if we can just convince him to run for office!...Or, at the very least, clone him!! )

One may read this and think that it's only about Dr. Donworth. That isn't true. You see, I've been blessed not only to have this remarkable man as a teacher but I have the honor of knowing him as a friend as well. In a sense this is about how my life has been rewarded because of him. I am able to do what I do, and live where I live today, because of my friend Dr.Warren Donworth.

Thanks Warren...

Onward and Upward into the Light!