Attraction and Love

As a student of the human condition I’ve found that the easiest way to study humanity is to turn my awareness on myself. I think that’s somewhat akin to what actors do. By studying ourselves we come to understand others. It’s a kind of empathy I suppose. The only flaw in it that I can see is that not everyone thinks or reacts the way I do. Some people are a genuine puzzle to me.

One area where most of us have some interest is the realm of attraction. Lately I’ve found myself thinking quite a bit about attraction and love. (Of course a woman blacksmith inspired it!) The nature of this particular subject seems to be what divides so many men and women because we think about it so differently. I know from experience that most men are attracted to women in one of three basic ways. First, there is basic sexual attraction. When a man sees a woman he wants to be sexual with his main focus is on her body. That’s what he’ll compliment… Some guys will say anything to get what they want here. When it’s understood by both parties it’s one thing…but when it causes a man to lie to get what he wants it crosses the line into using another human being. What a man says when the attraction is purely physical will usually give him away. Often after he gets what he wants he’ll move on to the next woman. This is the area where women feel used…because they are used. This is the basest kind of attraction. It is a need all of us have but there are ways to fulfill it that don’t involve hurting another person. Immature people…especially men…tend to focus only on their own desires. This is something women don’t seem to get primarily because they ‘want’ to believe otherwise. While physical attraction can evolve into romance, it’s rare that it does. A relationship that's built on sexual attraction won't last because sexual attraction waxes and wanes over time. That's natural. To build a lasting bond it needs to be on a different foundation.

The second kind of attraction that men often feel for women is a kind of mental attraction. They’re not usually physically attracted to these women, at least at first. The attraction begins around a common interest or sometimes just good conversation. This can be the ‘I just want to be friends’ area but a man can become physically attracted to a woman he feels mental attraction for too. Just like he can come to find a physically desirable woman less attractive because of her personality. Some women become more beautiful as you get to know them. When these evolve into relationships they're often very good because the foundation is one of friendship. Many women seem to sense that this is the way to go…get involved with your friend and you won’t get used. These relationships can grow into romance. There’s a danger here too though. Becoming physical can ruin the friendship. Sometimes romance can ruin it too. Romance is such a powerful feeling it can raise the expectations unrealistically high. Lose this one and you can lose it all.

The third kind of attraction is the one from the heart. This is when a man is drawn to a woman because of what she does to his heart. This can be love at first sight or it may happen over time. This is the birthplace of romance... It has an element of physical attraction, to be sure, but that’s not the main focus. The things we focus on and compliment are her eyes and her smile more so than her figure. This kind of attraction also has a mental element. We want to know what’s in her heart and on her mind. It is significant that the heart is between the brains and the loins. The heart is where they meet. This is the kind of attraction most of the songs, poems and love stories are about. All of them will make him think of her... This form of attraction lifts us to our highest level. This is the one that can make your heart ache when you're not with her. When a man starts to feel this way about a woman he can’t think of other women. ‘She’ becomes every woman for him. If, in the process of giving in to the attraction you feel, you can become friends, that friendship is the best foundation for real love. When this one is real, (and real means mutual), it can change your heart…and your life.

Just some observations…from the Blacksmith’s Corner….